


The President's Big Stick

by Metatron



Series: The President's Big Stick [1]
Category: Obamney - Fandom, Romney - Fandom, obama - Fandom
Genre: Crack, M/M, chat fic, what even
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-10-17
Updated: 2015-12-10
Packaged: 2018-02-21 14:06:32
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 2,301
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2470919
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Metatron/pseuds/Metatron
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Before Mitt Romney ran for President, Joe Biden was the most important man in Barack Obama's life. But the election changed everything.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. The first debate/on the bus

Joe Biden: (in a sexy flashback) "Folks, I can tell you I've known eight presidents, three of them intimately."  
{fade to black, another flashback}  
"In the immortal words of Teddy Rosevelt: “Speak softly, and carry a big stick.” I promise you, the president has a big stick. I promise you."  
"I got tested for AIDS. I know Barack got tested for AIDS. There's no shame in being tested for AIDS. It's an important thing."

Joe: for four years, I was the most important guy in Barack’s life. But then Mitt Romney ran for president and nothing was the same again.  
{fade to black}

{backstage at the first presidential debate}  
Mitty: so do u come here often barack  
Barry: No  
Mitty: oh, that’s pretty sad man  
Barry: ikr  
Mitty: how do u think this debate is gonna go  
Barry: idk dude i feel really lightheaded standin next to u all of a sudden  
Mitty: oh rlly that’s weird

{the debate starts}

Mitty: i like big bird  
Barry: …  
Mitty: i mean he’s cool  
Mitty: but we can’t afford the funding  
Barry: {staring at Mitty}  
Jim the Debate Moderator: Barack? what do u think about what Mitt said?  
Barry: america needs more jobs  
Barry: change  
Barry: hope  
Barry: i actually don’t know what’s goin on srry  
Jim the Debate Moderator: how do u feel about obamacare governor romney  
Mitty: it’s bad. it’s like stinky cheese  
Barry: hey! it can’t be that bad cus it has my name in it yo  
Mitty: it’s still bad i tell you  
Barry: can we have like one of those water breaks or somethin i’m thirsty  
Jim the Debate Moderator: K  
{Barack drinks like a shitload of water}  
Mitty: r u ok  
Barry: i don't really know but ur hair is so pretty  
Barry: it's like black mixed with grey and it looks amazing  
Mitty: thanks, i work hard on it u know  
Mitty: people just don't get how hard i work on my hair  
Mitty: i spend like all day doin campaign stuff and it makes it so hard to spend time makin sure it's perfect  
Barry: i appreciate the effort  
Jim the Debate Moderator: so do i  
Barry: shut up jim ur not a part of this  
Barry: i mean like really  
Barry: why r u even here nobody wants u  
Jim the Debate Moderator: sadness  
{Jim leaves}  
Mitty: well, i guess it's just u and i alone on national television eh Barack  
{Barack drinks a fuckton of water, which in case you are wondering is 5000 shitloads)  
Barry: yep  
Barry: this is great  
Barry: i'm alone...with u  
{Joe Biden bursts in}  
Joe: Hold up, now! Nobody is gonna be alone with the President except me! And that's final!  
Mitty: oh  
{Mitt leaves}

{fade back to Biden}

Joe: I successfully defended my Barry for a time, but alas, I could not keep him out of Mitt's reach forever.

{On Mitt Romney's campaign bus}

Barry: hey thx for inviting me to see ur bus man it's pretty sweet  
Mitty: yeah, i thought u would like it  
Barry: ...  
Mitty: ...  
Mitty: so how have u been  
Barry: fine, just runnin the country and stuff like that u know  
Mitty: so  
Barry: ...  
Mitty: uh...i've...  
Barry: ...  
Mitty: ...missed you...since we met at the debate ya know  
Barry: it's funny  
Barry: cus i've missed you too  
Barry: every time i see u on tv i just stare at ur perfect hair  
Barry: sometimes i even search u on google images just so i can look at u for hours  
Mitty: rlly?  
Barry: yea  
Mitty: ur pretty too u know  
Barry: aw, that's cute  
Mitty: ...u know, we're the only ones on this bus  
Barry: huh  
{Barack pulls Mitt into a french kiss and they like don't even stop for air or anything they just keep going and going for a completely unreasonable amount of time}  
Barry: wow  
Mitty: wow  
Barry: that was like a really good kiss  
Barry: michelle doesn't kiss like that  
Mitty: the inside of ur mouth tastes like mint  
Barry: yea it's my toothpaste  
Mitty: i like it  
{they kiss again}  
{and again}  
{and also another time}  
Barry: hey  
Mitty: ye  
Barry: is anyone going to come in here for like a few hours  
Mitty: naw  
Mitty: i mean, probably not  
Mitty: wait  
Mitty: r u suggesting...  
Mitty: ...the...  
Mitty: ...the sex?  
Barry: maybe  
Mitty: in that case we don't have anything to worry about  
Mitty: even if by chance anyone comes in they will only see two presidential candidates naked and fucking each other  
Mitty: i mean, what's so scandalous about that?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> i wrote this when i was 15 ok don't judge


	2. The Bus/At the McDonalds

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After some..."interesting events" on a campaign bus, Mitt Romney and Barack Obama decide to make a visit to a very important place......the nearest McDonald's restaurant.

Barry: Ooooh  
Mitty: wow  
Barry: such wow  
Mitty: you really do have a big stick  
Barry: ikr  
{they suck each others’ cocks dramatically}  
{then they strip naked and stroke each other’s chest hair}  
{Barry shoves his big black dick into Mitty’s butthole and it doesn’t really fit but they really don’t even give a shit at this point}  
{especially Mitty}  
{he really is unable to give a shit}

{haha get it lolz}

Mitty: this is great  
Barry: i agree  
Jim the Debate Moderator: so do i  
Barry: omg  
Barry: like what  
Barry: how did you even get in here  
Jim the Debate Moderator: but  
Jim the Debate Moderator: i am a journalist  
Jim the Debate Moderator: it is my responsibility to bring people the news they deserve and this is most certainly news  
Mitty: if you dont say anything i’ll give you $100  
Jim the Debate Moderator: k  
Barry: now leave  
Jim the Debate Moderator: k  
{Jim leaves}  
Barry: now  
Barry: where were we  
Mitty: actually  
Mitty: im sorta hungry actually  
Mitty: can we get food  
Barry: sure bae

{they get dem clothes on}  
{then they walk to the nearest mcdonalds}

Cashier: Good sires, may I interest you all in some reasonably priced sustenance?  
Mitty: ye  
Cashier: What then is it that you desire?  
Mitty: chicken mcnugget  
Barry: with extra large fries  
Cashier: Say, are you the leader of this great nation, the one they call...Obama?  
Barry: yup  
Cashier: Well, I’ll say! And by any chance is this man your fierce competitor, Mr. Romney?  
Barry: yup

{by a random chance, Joe Biden happened to be eating at this very same mcdonalds!}

Joe: Barack?!? What the frickity-frack do you think you’re doing?  
Barry: …  
Barry: well  
Barry: this is awkward  
Mitty: ...  
Mitty: especially because we were just frickity-fracking  
Joe: WHAT?  
Joe: HOW DARE YOU COME ONTO MR. OBAMA IN A SEXUAL MANNER! THAT’S MY JOB!  
Barry: joe pls  
Cashier: ...These events have rendered me speechless.  
Joe: SHUT UP! CAN’T YOU SEE WE’RE HAVING A CONVERSATION HERE?  
Cashier: My apologies, good sire. I shall depart from this place and travel to a monastery to take a vow of eternal silence, never to speak again.

{the cashier leaves for the nearest monastery}

Mitty: …  
Mitty: uh  
Mitty: im still hungry


	3. Making plans/The gas station

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After Joe Biden stops Mitt and Barack from getting food, the two decide to go on a trip together, and not just any trip: a road trip to Las Vegas! However, while Mitt is outside refueling the bus, Barack answers a phone call from an unexpected someone.

{later, on Mitt’s campaign bus}

Barry: i’m sorry you didnt get your food  
Barry: that Joe guy just always ruins everything  
Barry: hey  
Barry: i’ve got an idea  
Mitty: wut is it Barack  
Barry: so u know how im like the president right  
Mitty: yeah  
Barry: well i have this plane  
Mitty: Barry u know i have like 7 planes  
Barry: yeah  
Barry: but this is a special plane  
Barry: its the official president plane and stuff and its fancy  
Mitty: so?  
Barry: we could go someplace together  
Mitty: tru  
Mitty: buts  
Mitty: we are already in my bus  
Mitty: we can drive and spend more time together Barackie-Poo  
Barry: oh mitty ur so smart where do you want to go  
Mitty: well  
Mitty: why dont we go to las vegas?  
Barry: omg! ur right we could get married and it’ll be great and there will obviously be no future ramifications other than our undying love for each other

{eventually they find a highway and start driving to vegas}

{however they need to refuel so they find a gas station}

Mitty: okey I'll go get gas brb  
Barry: k

{Mitt leaves the bus, but leaves his phone}

Phone: ring ring  
Barry: why this is Mittys phone  
Phone: ring  
Barry: what if it's important I'd better answer it  
{Barack answers the phone}  
Barry: hullo  
Big Bird: yes hi this is big bird and I'd like to talk to mitt  
Barry: ...  
Barry: uh  
Barry: he's not available  
Barry: but I can take a message I guess  
Big Bird: well tell him that I am absolutely furious at him  
Big Bird: after all we've been through I can't believe he would just say that the funding for my show can't be afforded  
Big Bird: ask him if all those tender nights in my nest meant nothing to him  
Barry: ...  
Big Bird: tell him…  
Barry: …  
Big Bird: tell him we’re finished  
Barry: …  
Barry: ...i...will…  
Big Bird: excellent  
Big Bird: Big Bird out  
{Big Bird hangs up}

{Mitt comes back into the bus}

Mitty: so  
Mitty: anything exciting happen while i was gone  
Barry: …  
Mitty: Barackie-poo? everything ok?  
Barry: …  
Barry: Mittens  
Mitty: yeees  
Barry: why  
Mitty: why what  
Barry: why didnt you tell me you and big bird were together  
Mitty: well  
Mitty: um  
Mitty: i didnt want to mention it  
Mitty: its over now anyway  
Barry: Mitty  
Barry: i cant believe you werent going to tell me this is very important information  
Barry: i feel betrayed mittens  
Mitty: bae dont be this way its in the past  
Barry: im sorry  
Barry: i have to go  
Barry: i just dont know if youre telling the truth anymore  
Barry: i cant trust a man who has been with a bird  
Mitty: Barry wait  
Barry: i’m sorry

{Barack leaves}

{slow, manly tears run down Mitt’s face as he sits alone in his campaign bus}

Mitty: i have to fix this  
Mitty: i know  
Mitty: i can fix this the way i solve all my problems  
Mitty: with money


	4. The Epic Conclusion

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Mitt attempts to show Barack exactly how he feels about him, setting off a chain of events that brings forth an epic climax (both figuratively and literally) to our story.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading this awful piece of crack. I don't know why on earth you're reading it, but I hope at the least it's maybe made you laugh. 
> 
> And yeah, I think I'm probably going to write a sequel at some point. Come on, Donald Trump is just asking for it.

Joe: So, in order to win back his beloved Barry, Mitt decided to show him just how much he cared, with a very expensive display of...love? I don’t know if I would call it love. Everyone knows that the best way to display affection is to whisper in their ear at an important occasion that this is a “big fuckin deal.”

Barry’s phone: ring ring  
{Barack answers}  
Barry: Hullo  
Mitty: my love  
Mitty: i’m sorry that we fought  
Mitty: but I want to show you just how much I luv you  
Barry: Mitty...i just don’t know if this can work anymore  
Mitty: just look out your window  
{Barack looks}  
Mitty: do you see it  
Barry: …  
Mitty: I did it for you  
Mitty: all for you  
Mitty: so now the whole world can know how i feel about you  
Barry: ...did…  
Barry: did you literally make the washington monument into a giant dick  
Mitty: yup  
Mitty: i had to pay the parks department a lot of money in order to paint it flesh colored  
Mitty: and i had to have giant balls constructed on the sides  
Barry: wow  
Mitty: i just wanted to show you how you make me feel in a big way  
Barry: well, it is certainly big  
Barry: and i should care that you’ve desecrated a national monument  
Barry: but wow  
Mitty: i wanted you to be able to look out your window every day and see it  
Barry: that’s so hot  
Mitty: ikr  
Mitty: …  
Mitty: so  
Mitty: will u let me suck ur cock again  
Barry: fuckin hell yeah

Joe: While my beloved Barack was making up with his lover, the rest of the nation was in chaos. No one knew the meaning of the “Washington Dick-ument” or why it was there. There were riots in the streets. Religious groups declared that it was now the end of days. Many states declared their intentions to ceed from the nation. Gays, however, made pilgrimage en masse to worship the “all powerful phallus.” A state of emergency was declared across the whole nation. All transport in and out of the country was halted. In an impulsive act of fury, Vladimir Putin attempted to bomb the United States, but his missiles hit the moon instead and it exploded. With the moon gone, the tides were thrown into chaos, causing massive tsunamis all across the world. Several experimental bio-weapons labs were destroyed, resulting in biological weapons being released, including a potent virus that turned people into werewolves. With Barack too preoccupied to lead, the office of President fell to me. My first act as President was to summon Satan and a demon army from hell and send them to gain control of the planet. Meanwhile, Barack and Mitt were locked in the Oval Office…

{in the Oval Office}

Mitty: ...o...oh  
Mitty: yup  
Barry: u like that huh  
{Barry thrusts harder into Mitty’s butthole}  
Mitty: oh Barry  
Mitty: this is amazing  
Mitty: i have eyes for nobody but you  
Mitty: the world could literally be falling apart right now and i wouldn’t even care as long as you keep doing what you’re doing  
Barry: i know how u feel  
{Barry meets his release and then pulls out}  
{they kiss}  
{they kiss again only this time its for like 17 minutes straight and i don’t even know how that’s possible but who cares}  
Mitty: i love you  
Barry: i love you too Mitty

{sounds of shouts and explosions can be heard outside but the two lovers are staring so deep into each other’s eyes that they don’t even notice}

Joe: And even though my one true love was in the arms of another, in this moment I didn’t care. There would be time for retribution later. I looked out upon the demon army who at this point were killing werewolves and subjugating humans, and I smiled. At last, everything I’d ever wanted.

 

The End...for now?


End file.
